I have no idea what I'm doing, ever. It's growing on me, it really is. I don't know how long I can hold this baggage alone.

Nothing ever makes me smile as bright as you do. I'm not in love with you, I don't nearly like you, but you're still as close to perfect in my eyes as you can be. There's just something magnificent about you, and you never even give you credit. You deserve the best- better than what you think. Because you're amazing.

Normality

For all that is familiar is beauty,
what is unfamiliar is only beyond my eye.
That each minuet detail glistening in any given light,
Natural or man-made,
is a piece to a never-ending puzzle.
Normality.
What we see, everyday,
faces, hands, bodies.
Normality, it's not.
Beauty.
Beauty is the wide-eyed toddler,
imagination full of nonsense,
Bringing pure bliss to waiting in line.
Beauty is the naivety of everything wrong.
Beauty is raindrops and the greenery afterwards.
Smiles, laughter, birthday cake.
Beauty is humble talent,
Your words, your guitar, strung hand in hand.
Beauty is lack of normality,
Which everyone thinks they see.
Beauty is not knowing.
Beauty is what's left for tomorrow.
Beauty is your smile,
your dimples,
your eyes,
your hands.
Beauty is you, beauty is me,
beauty is everywhere.

Mindlessness

I know I just wrote, I know. I'm so upset at myself. Everything I've ever complained about, it's nothing, nothing at all. Cancer eats away at you, as does many other diseases, WHY is it my next door neighbor, an infant who had a brain tumor. That MONSTER can come back WHENEVER it pleases. My struggles are nothing, absolutely NOTHING compared to theirs. I envy their strength, in all the ways it comes. Physical, mental, emotional, and everything in between. Why do I have to complain, why. Nothing is thrown in my face as fast as this. Nothing shuts me down like this. So why is it that everything appears wrong in my world, when if I just woke up, I'd see I'm totally wrong. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Monster

I shall choke,
Choke
Choke on the words that I've said.
I shall run,
Run
Run to the place where I'll never be.
I shall prod,
Prod
Prod until the answer is given.
I shall ask,
Ask
Ask why it was you.

Why'd you have to leave?
Why'd you have to die?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why isn't it me with the tears,
Tears running from my eyes.


Shave my head,
Poke me, stick me,
Make me bleed, make me bruise.
Anything to keep it from you.

I don't want you to be eaten by this monster,
I don't want you to be eaten by this monster.



I'll save you, someday.
Someday you'll be saved.

It'll Just Go

Crack of thunder, I'm awake.
Next day, sunrise over the lake.
Times change with the turn of the Earth,
People change with the tune of the drum.
A hard angry hit, marching, marching.
Slow quite taps mask the screams.
I'll just go on walking, running,
Life'll just keep living.
People'll keep forgivin'.
The world keeps turning and the core
keeps burnin.
Life goes on, love goes on.
I'll keep learnin.

June 19th

You're the spitting image of perfection;
You bright up the sky.
For everything I'd ever wanted,
Like I'm living a lie.

June 4th

I could sit here and listen to music and smile for the rest of my life. I'm teaching myself that I really need to be okay with life, because life is okay with me. I think I was proud of myself for the first time, just an hour(ish) ago, it felt nice. I wasn't doing anything big, or accomplishing anything. I just was there for someone. I have been in the past, but this time I feel like there was something different. I included everything I wanted to say without typing a huge paragraph of nonsense. It's confusing, but you'd understand the feeling if you were me. Somehow, some way, I need to gain the courage to tell my Mother everything. I'm sick of this ongoing battle with her, and I'll find that courage someday. Hopefully sooner than later. I have a lot of respect for people, and I realized that today. My brother is graduating in one week, on my birthday, and I'm singing at graduation. I'm going to ball my eyes out. He doesn't know this, I don't think anyone really knows how solid this is, but I'm so proud of him. Not because I HAVE to be, as his baby sister; but because I look up to him in every way, shape and form. I can't put it all into writing, but he pulled through after overcoming one of the worst struggles in his life. That takes strength and courage I have not even nearly obtained yet in my life. That's the biggest accomplishment I've ever thought of. Overcoming. All these are obsticles put in my way and I need to overcome.

Lost Thoughts

I have speech in mind,
Yet for some reason you're a blinking sign.
Telling me to turn around,
Constantly pulling me down.

Calling out for help, a silent scream,
As if you were here,
I'm just causing a scene.
The further I get the more I near,
Yet my foot stays on the peddle, I just steer.
Past the white flag, in which I hold.
My body aching, my heart so cold.

I'm getting sucked into your lost thoughts,
Sinking into your cruel torture.
Each word you say,
Each breath you breathe,
Somehow always leading back to me.

My conscience screams,
wrong way, wrong day.
It takes your thoughts,
Feeding them to what I know,
You're making me feel lower than low.
I fit into what you want,
A perfect piece for you to taunt.

My goal to get out seems far away,
It'll take more than this day.
Mind set straight, foot on the break.
I can't do it though, your power, your strength.
I'm the last peice of your puzzle,
You strap on my muzzle.

Change

I'd like to obtain the simple smile,
And sun kissed skin.
The rope swing, and big overflowing toy bins.
The hopeless heart,
Pouring with love.
The naivety of nature, helpless calling for an answer.
The wind changes everything,
Everything and me.

Lacking

Rasied voices in the morning, and in the afternoon-

Elequent speech midday to the moon.

A continueous cycle of fear and fate.

Escalated screams start with a step in too late.

It's hidden from us, the people who know.

What it's really like, a life that just goes.

You can't take it for what it's not,

Only for everything it has to offer.

Your hand in mine, the silent love much softer.

God gave us this gift, the righter judgement.

We need to take that gift, and do good with the nourishment.

Nouish the heart, mind, body,and soul.

Our bones may shiver, our thoughts may be cold.

Take on the strength we didn't imagine we had.

Use it to strengthen the heart others lack.

Crash

All the messages you sent;
Stay away and never look back.
What is, not what was.
The crashing on the fall
The pain of it all.

Cryptic messages from every view.
Yet every story leading back to you.
You keep me looking over my shoulder,
Your words burned into my soul.
I'll keep them with me to my grave.
Memmories with you is where sadness lacks,
You put me up, pushed me down.
For your own pleasure, like a toy.
You knew only in time for I shall crack.

The pain I feel hangs at my heart-
Like an endless hole.
All the messages you sent;
Stay away and never look back.
What is, not what was.
The crashing on the fall
The pain of it all.

Of what you could not stall;
For what was the matter?
Nor you or anyone could see how I hurt.
And now what's left is destroyed footprints in the dirt.